"No, we don't have it!"

Super Noodle deliciousness :/

“No, we don’t have it.” If I had a cedi for every time I hear those words I wouldn’t still be eating off the street specials board on a daily basis, which, just in case you were wondering, ranges from Super Noodles fried with egg, veg, corned beef and sardines or plain rice, salad and boiled egg, how delicious - SAID NO ONE EVER.

I’m currently sat in a quaint roadside restaurant, abusing their power source because my house has been without electricity for more than 48 hours (#Ghanaproblems). This jolly little joint has become a familiar haunt for me over the months and I’ve grown used to staring at the mouth watering pictures of double cheese burgers and meatylicious pizzas that adorn the walls as I wait for the waitress to take my order.

Not quite my idea of fine dining

Upon my first visit I was presented with a menu offering me everything from rice, noodles and pasta, to sandwiches, pizza and burgers. As the owner went through the list with me nothing seemed off limits, although I was advised I would be waiting a long time for certain items. I went with the grilled chicken, fried rice and homemade coleslaw (my quickest option) and I didn’t have a bad word to say.  

You have to appreciate I live a light-year away from any shopping malls or the town centre, which means my chance of getting any grub that hasn’t been prepared by the open gutter is pretty slim. So when I came across this place just ten minutes away from my house I thought I had struck gold.

Why bother giving me the menu?

A few weeks later I popped in on my way home from work excited to sample what other delights their five paged menu had to offer. As I took my seat and eagerly placed my order of beef stir-fry the waitress began shaking her head. “No, we don’t have it.” I then tried my luck with the cheese burger but again my request was met with a resounding NO.

“We only have tuna sandwich, chicken sauce, fried chicken or grilled chicken.” I went with the sauce, which pleasantly surprised my taste buds despite its food poisonous colour, in fact I liked it so much I decided to order it again on my next visit. “No, we don’t have it. Only grilled or fried chicken.”

She eventually stopped giving me the menu and now my choice is usually fried chicken, fried chicken or, you guessed it, fried chicken. You can imagine how annoying this is but in Ghana it is nothing new.

Being presented with a menu at a restaurant actually fills me with dread. It’s a bit like when Chris Tarrant presents you with the cheque you could have then says “But we don’t want to give you that,” before snatching it away.

"But we don't want to give you that!"

Restaurants run out of dishes, it happens, but when it does I expect to be told a. before I peruse the menu b. with a smile c. with an alternative option and d. with a sincere apology. Instead I’m given a fu*k load of attitude and made to feel like it’s my fault for asking for something so ridiculous as a salad.  

Just the other week I entered a smoothie bar, the waitress handed over the smoothie menu without so much as a word, I went to place my order and she said “We don’t have smoothie.” What do you mean you don’t have frigging smoothies your sign outside says SMOOTHIES. Lost for words would be an understatement.

So the moral of the story is : When in Ghana, place your order with extreme caution, prepare yourself for the worst and contain the urge to first pump the air when your first choice isn’t rejected. 

Wish you were here XOXO